Love languages

How to figure out your partner's love language

2 min read

The short answer: watch what they complain about, what they ask for, and how they show care to you. People often give love the way they like to receive it, and their small complaints usually point straight at what they miss. Or simply ask, and take the test together.

1. Notice how they show love

Many people give care the way they would like to receive it. A partner who constantly does things for you may value acts of service. One who leaves notes or says "I'm proud of you" may value words. One who always reaches for your hand may value touch. It is not a perfect rule, but it is a good first clue.

2. Listen to their complaints

Complaints are often requests in disguise:

• "You're always on your phone" may point to quality time.
• "You never say anything about it" may point to words of affirmation.
• "I have to do everything around here" may point to acts of service.
• "You forgot again" may point to receiving gifts.
• "We never cuddle anymore" may point to physical touch.

3. Pay attention to what they ask for

Requests are the most direct clue. "Can we do something this weekend, just us?" and "Could you pick up the dry cleaning?" ask for very different things.

4. Remember what made them happiest

Think back to moments when they were clearly moved: a surprise trip, a long talk, a handwritten card, a day you took everything off their plate. What did those moments have in common?

5. Ask, and compare notes

The simplest method is to ask: "When do you feel most loved by me?" Taking a love language test together can make the conversation easier, because it gives you both the same words. Share your results, then ask each other whether they ring true.

Speaking it without keeping score

Once you have a sense of it, start small: one gesture a day in their language. A few tips:

• Be specific. "Spend more quality time" is vague. "Phones away at dinner" is a plan.
• Ask for feedback. "Did that help?" keeps you from guessing.
• Keep your own needs on the table. Speaking their language should not mean ignoring yours. Tell them what matters to you too.
• Remember the other four. Most people value all five kinds of care. Your partner's top language is where to start, not the only thing that counts.

When it is not about love languages

If you feel stuck in the same conflict over and over, or one of you feels unsafe or unheard, love languages are not the right tool. A couples counselor can help in ways a test cannot.

Find your love languages with the free test

See also: what to do when your love languages don't match. This article is for education and self-reflection.